Soul Submissive

S and I seem to reluctantly take turns being the caregiver/caretaker. I love taking care of him, but become resentful if I must do it for too long. Then I become irrational, petulant, and overwhelmed. I fall to pieces, blaming, shouting, crying and accusing until he steps up.

As a result of my tantrums he feels guilty for missing the clues of how I needed him. He becomes overwhelmed with self-pity for being a failure. Of course, he's not a failure, he's just following my lead, doing as I have told, being submissive. He's waiting for direction. My shortcoming is that I don't always know my own needs, my own feelings. I don't realize I'm in pain, that I'm needing more than he's giving, and I attack out of confusion. He rushes to my aid, engrossed in self hatred because as a partner, as a lover, as a friend, as a son, in his mind, he's failed again.

He wants to be good. He wants to fulfill his part in the relationship. He believed that with me he could do that. That is, until I started telling him he had failed.

Once my emotional needs are met, I've had a day of pampering or comforting, I begin to come out of my funk. I immediately feel sorry for him. I realize how hard I've been on him and begin take care of him. As I've said, I love taking care of him, nurturing him and loving him, knowing that he's feeling fulfilled, but I run out of steam after some time has passed. Then the cycle begins again.

We realize now that we both need to work on communicating BEFORE disaster strikes and listening to one another better. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to feel guilty or ashamed. I want to be loved and comforted and I want him to feel loved and comforted too. It's so hard to strike that balance.

But I have faith that we will find it because we both want to so much. As long as we remain on the right path, focused on the same goal, I have great hope that we will reach a happier place, in time.

"I feel used. I don't want to be a bank. I want to be his son."

S has been trying to rebuild his relationship with his estranged father, at my encouragement, only to be set back to square one. After a couple of wonderful visits with his father at step-mother at their home in Washington, we left for our long awaited Hawaii vacation. Just before we left, S received an painful email from his father a few days after our most recent return. His father wants to borrow money; lots of money.

Here in this tropical paradise, S was anything but serene.S has been burned before loaning money to family members, albeit not his father. But this shook him to the core and I realized immediately this had nothing to do with money.

It had everything to do with his value in this relationship with his Dad.

"I don't think they reached out only to borrow, but I can't help but wonder if they reached out to my step-brother too. If they didn't, that means that they wouldn't want to jeopardize their relationship with him because they love him so much. But with me, it doesn't matter."

I wanted to reason with him, wanted to help him see it a different way, but heard a voice in my head that told me to stop. What he needed was love; unconditional, unending love. He needed his Mistress to pour over him, engulf him in warmth and comfort, and to hold him through the pain.

We went back to our hotel room and I held him close. After a back massage with scented massage oil I had just purchased, I positioned him to suckle, kissed his head and stroked his body. He slid into this comfortable snuggle, and allowed himself to be loved. He took all I had to give, not greedily, but thankfully. I made love to him, climbing on top of him and riding him enthusiastically. We fell asleep calm and satisfied.

When we awoke, I caressed and cuddled him more. We spent the day hiking and then drinking beer, two of his favorite things. I made the day about him, all about him.

I wish I had the answers to his dilemma, but I just don't. These are answers he must find in his own heart. But I can love him through it, and remind him I'm always on his side, encouraging him, supporting him, and beaming with pride that he's my guy.