guess what we did in Bakersfield yesterday

Posted on 11:54 AM by Tina

Hey There,

We're in Bakersfield visiting our kids and working right now. We took our grandson Jackson to play at an indoor playground yesterday.

It's his first time playing with kids his own age, but he was more interested in the pretty mom who was there. What a flirt!

I was thinking about you when I saw this thing about blogging. It's some tips for bloggers.

This is an outstanding way to get your own blog in shape and getting more traffic to your site. If you need help with your blog, you know we are always here to help.

We have a limited availability for blog assistance, so let us know soon if you want to get some help. I might start some kind of online webinar. Do you think you would want to participate in that if I keep it really affordable? Like $30 for 3 sessions online?

Let me know on that. I'd like to start hosting classes.

OH! If you haven't liked our Too Much Tina Facebook page yet, jump on there and do it now.

I'll post the thing about classes there when I set them up. 

Enjoy the rest of your week.


Sash Walker
CEO, Too Much Tina Marketing & Media
@RudeBikerChick on most social media

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Bondage and Stress

Posted on 9:26 PM by Tina

"Thank you Mommy. Thank you for the bondage and securing me so tight I can't move. I like it when I can't move. Thank you. I love you Mommy. I love you so much!"

It's never easy to be a parent. It's even harder when you're parenting a grown man who feels like an angry child, who is also in possession of his own money, motorcycle keys, and a legal I.D. to buy liquor.

Loving my Boy is easy when he's sweet and affectionate. It's so much harder when he's hurt, which is so much of the time.

"Honey, did you turn the air off again? I'm so hot, I'm burning up! Can you please turn it on for me?"

Sulking and hurt, he defends himself, complains about why I can't turn it on myself and who was the last person to turn it on/off. He talks of our apartment we used to live in and how he had to suffer when I was cold and how now he's suffering again because I'm hot. The complaining goes on for a few minutes.

What he feels is an inequality in our relationship. What he feels is unheard, not valued, not cherished and not cared for.

But those are not the words he uses. He turns it back on me, unable to express these feelings in words. He can only accuse because he doesn't have the tools to do anything else. If I make the mistake of falling into defending myself, we only argue and fight. What he wants is to be heard, valued, comforted and cherished. That won't happen if I listen to his words. I must listen to his broken heart.

After a childhood of abuse, I often wonder if my Boy is seeking punishment from me. He will do things that most certainly will anger me or start a fight for seemingly no reason. But I've been learning from these experiences and I'm pretty certain there is a reason. The pattern has become all too clear to me.

As time passes tension rises in My Boy, regardless of how things are going between us. Stress builds, mostly from fearing another fight is on the horizon. Often if he brings his Boy out to enjoy life, be expressive, silly or loving, within a day or two I can see the tension rise up within him. He fears the fight so much that he chooses to start the fight just to get it over with. He will pick the fight and run out so quickly, hoping to just get through it and on to the recovery. It's a stress reliever.

Often I feel like nothing more than an object in this exercise of frustration for him. It seems at times he can have a fight all by himself. The issue lies in him, not necessarily in anything I've done wrong.

That's not always the case, and I do my best to take responsibility when I screw up. But often times this is the case.

What I've started doing is restraining him to help ease that tension. I can see it build and I can feel him becoming edgy and short tempered. Being on this long motorcycle trip I have very little space to pack, so I don't have my "toys" with me. So I became resourceful, using a bandanna to tie his hands together, another for his feet, and two bungee cords to secure him to the bed. His cock was hard before I finished tying the first bandanna. By the time I finished securing him, literally 5 minutes, his eyes had glazed over and an incredible peace had come over him. He was serene for 24 hours thereafter. The tension had been broken without a fight.

I won't harm him, beat him, or humiliate him. His real mother did plenty of that. It only served to break his spirit. My mission is to build him up, give him a voice and help him grow. Sometimes he needs help to quell those overwrought emotions and calm his stress. Bondage is the key to helping him let go and let me take care of him.

Just A Boy

Posted on 9:15 PM by Tina

Many months have passed since I've last written and many changes have taken place. Our relationship continues to evolve as the outer layers peel away and our true selves shine through. With the help of our therapist, we've come to understand one another and ourselves more clearly than ever.

So much of my inner turmoil has settled I'm amazed. Most days I am joyful, serene and excited to be alive, but mostly I feel at peace. Our lives are thrilling as we've been traveling by motorcycle around the U.S. for 2 months on a 6 month trip. Each day brings new sights, sounds, smells, food, people and thoughts. I feel creative and thoughtful more often. My fears have quelled and I can accept happiness with arms wide open. I finally believe I deserve to be happy and I am, very much.

S is working through things as well. He's dropped so much of his facade and is embracing the child inside more every day. When I met S he was quiet, thoughtful, and introspective. I only saw glimpses of his humor, his silliness and his playful side. He never showed anger or disdain, frustration or fear. Now I realize it was because he had lost touch with those parts of himself many years ago, hiding most of his emotions.

How could a person come to a point of being so unemotional? This puzzled me because I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, rarely feeling shame for my explosive and wild feelings. It's not as though S didn't feel emotions, he did. He has just learned to detach from them so well, to starve them so much, that they barely existed. When he met me he started feeling again. It felt good, at first, so he continued to work towards having a relationship with me. He was shocked when things started to feel bad.

And bad they did. He hadn't realized that all of those pains and injuries from his past weren't gone, but hiding under all of that denial. He hadn't processed any of those feelings, so they lay dormant waiting to attack. At some point he could deny them no longer and they ravaged him every moment of every day. Wallowing in anger and hurt he struck out at me, as I was the only one around to accept it.

Those days were hard for me. I thought of leaving him from time to time, when I felt so overwhelmed I was certain I was going to break. We had terrible fights to which there seemed no end. But just a month ago it seemed they peaked and now we are on the other side.

What I see now is just a 7-year-old boy. Almost every minute of the day S is filled with emotion, but at the time he shut off all of those feelings and bottled them up tight was only a 7-years-old boy. The child inside has never had a chance to grow, to mature, to develop. What he is now is a full-blown 7-year-old. He has no ability to be a man when he is filled with emotion.

And he cannot be both intellectual and emotional. At this juncture, he cannot bring the two into his body simultaneously. He is either one or the other. It was more difficult for me to know how to behave towards him when he was switching back and forth, which caused numerous fights. But now he's a child almost all of the time.

I want to take care of him, to love him, to reassure him that I'm not going to abandon him. I want him to know that it's OK to be a child and to HAVE FEELINGS!! I want him to feel them ALL! He becomes so angry when he feels a negative feeling, but I'm trying to teach him that ALL FEELINGS ARE GOOD FEELINGS! Some just hurt more than others.

I'm going to make more of an effort to keep updating here more often. We've entered into interesting times.

I love this boy. My sweet, sweet boy. I'm such a lucky Mommy to be blessed with this amazing boy! S is just a boy.

Don't Fuck The Little Girl

Posted on 6:13 PM by Tina

S had been watching a documentary that I could hear from the bedroom. I only heard bits and pieces, but I determined it had something to do with children who had grown up without a father.

Later, when he came to bed he was very sweet and gentle. He held me close and I could tell he wanted to take the dominant role. He had been out of sorts for a few days, standoffish, and I didn't want to spook him. I often let him choose what role he needs and assume the role he needs from me. It had been a long time since he wanted to be the Dom and I was happy to oblige.

Earlier in the week we had quarreled over the way he forgets to comfort me. He informed me that it wasn't that he forgets, but he becomes so confused he doesn't know quite what to do. He fears doing the wrong thing, so he often does nothing. Tonight he wanted to make up for all of that.

He held me close and told me I was his girl. He cuddled and kissed me, assured me I was a good girl and very loved. Eventually we began to be sexual and finally, he had me pinned up to the headboard, fucking me gently but firmly. It felt good, wonderful in fact, but then I started to feel afraid. I didn't see it coming. . . but the fear began to set in.

After we both came he held me close and I clutched him tightly.

"Promise me you love me. Promise me you'll protect me. Promise me you won't share me with anyone. . ."

The words that slipped from my mouth surprised even me.

We cuddled and talked for awhile until I calmed down. I mustered up all of my courage, tried not to think about what I needed to say, and just spat the words out.

"I love being your little girl, and I love the comfort and security. But I don't think my little girl should have sex anymore."

S responded surprised but supportive.

"Of course! Sure. That's fine."

I left the bed and wept for a few minutes in the bathroom. Once I calmed down and came back to bed, and to him, and explained. I hadn't known I felt this way. I need to be loved and accepted, unconditionally. I want the love I got from my Dad as a girl. But as a little girl, for me, I don't want sex. I just want love.

I was amazingly relieved after this. He's been incredibly sweet, nurturing, and kind since then. I'm a very lucky girl.

Breaking New Ground

Posted on 11:21 PM by Tina

Our therapy has been grueling. Delving into the pain and anguish of our pasts has left me emotionally rung out. Working with our therapist has given me incredible insight, not just in my life, but into S's past and his heartbreak he carries. Our therapist Emily is like a guide, leading us through the most fearsome territory we've ever seen. The idea of writing about what was happening began to fill me with dread. It's hard enough to live it; how can I rehash it for others?

I've been filled with shame and fear because we fight so often. We yell and scream, threaten to leave each other, cry and sob, accuse, blame, and fall on the floor, exhausted. I can't tell you how many fights there have been, most ending in one of us or both of us crying ourselves to sleep, completely spent. I worried about sharing all of this, concerned that perhaps the insight I was sharing was only leading people in the wrong direction. I had lost faith in our process because I could see no light at the end of the tunnel.

New Year's Eve we went out and had a blast. Then, right around 1:00am, the familiar cycle began. S had too much to drink, he misunderstood something I said, and plunged into grief. It happens so quickly I can't see it until it's too late. It took all I had to get him to cross the street back to our apartment building, get him in the elevator and into our apartment. He fought me every step, wailing about how scared he was to go home. He has come to fear the fights so much that the idea we would fight terrifies him.

He seemed to think I was angry, but I was not. He assumed guilt for something that didn't even happen and became despondent. This happens night after night and I don't know how to avoid it. It's not intentional by either of us. This is a result of his deep scars of childhood.

But this night was different. I was able to step outside of myself and see his pain in a new way. I've been told by Emily numerous times that it's not me he's fighting, but the demons from the past. But this was the first time I was able to separate myself entirely and attempt to comfort him, rather than fight him, while he howled for two hours.

I was filled with sorrow for my Sweet Boy who cried in pain. I wanted to comfort him, but he saw me as the enemy, shouting, accusing, crying and blaming. But it wasn't me he was angry at. It was his past. I stayed by his side, being the target for his rage, listening to him, helping him as best as I could, giving nothing back but love and tenderness. I wanted him to know he wasn't alone and he was being heard.

The next morning I knew he would wake up, immediately apologize, be filled with shame because of his actions, and I was right. But I held no resentment this time, because I hadn't internalized any of it. I was able to provide the comfort and unconditional love he needed, for the first time. That whole day I was filled with wonderment and affection, feeling closer to him than I ever have before. We made sweet love as I took control of him, owned him, nurtured him, fed him my love and overwhelmed him with my presence. He gratefully and gladly submitted, welcoming my all encompassing being over him. I sucked him in and brought him home.

I feel certain we have reached a new place in our relationship. I'm looking forward to seeing Emily tomorrow and sharing with her all that has happened. I feel we've broken new ground and I'm ready for the next chapter in our love affair.

Giving and Receiving Care

Posted on 11:39 AM by Tina

S and I seem to reluctantly take turns being the caregiver/caretaker. I love taking care of him, but become resentful if I must do it for too long. Then I become irrational, petulant, and overwhelmed. I fall to pieces, blaming, shouting, crying and accusing until he steps up.

As a result of my tantrums he feels guilty for missing the clues of how I needed him. He becomes overwhelmed with self-pity for being a failure. Of course, he's not a failure, he's just following my lead, doing as I have told, being submissive. He's waiting for direction. My shortcoming is that I don't always know my own needs, my own feelings. I don't realize I'm in pain, that I'm needing more than he's giving, and I attack out of confusion. He rushes to my aid, engrossed in self hatred because as a partner, as a lover, as a friend, as a son, in his mind, he's failed again.

He wants to be good. He wants to fulfill his part in the relationship. He believed that with me he could do that. That is, until I started telling him he had failed.

Once my emotional needs are met, I've had a day of pampering or comforting, I begin to come out of my funk. I immediately feel sorry for him. I realize how hard I've been on him and begin take care of him. As I've said, I love taking care of him, nurturing him and loving him, knowing that he's feeling fulfilled, but I run out of steam after some time has passed. Then the cycle begins again.

We realize now that we both need to work on communicating BEFORE disaster strikes and listening to one another better. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to feel guilty or ashamed. I want to be loved and comforted and I want him to feel loved and comforted too. It's so hard to strike that balance.

But I have faith that we will find it because we both want to so much. As long as we remain on the right path, focused on the same goal, I have great hope that we will reach a happier place, in time.

The Echo of Love

Posted on 12:41 PM by Tina

I've known love before. My father loved me so. I could feel his love exude from every pore on his body when he smiled at me. I also had a friend Thomas for many years that loved me, just the way I was. Thomas never wanted to change me, and loved me to be outrageous and comical and sexy. When he died so many years ago, in many ways, I did too.

I didn't want love anymore. I didn't want to feel the heartache any longer. Losing my father and then losing Thomas made me feel so alone here on earth. I didn't want to feel that loss again, so I decided somewhere deep inside that I wouldn't open up for love. Then I wouldn't miss it when it was gone.

But I did. I was lonely. So lonely and in so much pain, that I turned it all inward, piling on the pounds, hiding in my comfy, compliant life with my domineering husband. He wasn't dominant. He was a mousy, frightened child who was bossy and hateful, complaining daily about everything under the sun. He tried to control everything in an effort to stop feeling out of control inside. I allowed him to control me, because I was so sad and empty inside.

I have a lovely daughter. She's an adult now. I wanted to provide a father for her, so getting remarried to a man she adored seemed like a good fit. She was happy, he was satisfied, and who cared if I was dying inside?

Who, indeed.

Then I met him. S filled my lungs with the first breath of air I had taken in years. I felt myself again. I felt my heart again. I felt love again.

Since I've met S, I've learned the differences between domination and domineering; submission and subjugation; control and love. Love is out of control, it is flying freely, it is watching the object of your desire be all they can be and feeling your heart soar with pride for them. It is giving of yourself for them, to them, to bring their heart peace and happiness. Love is giving, not taking. It is freedom, not control. It is joy that runs through your heart, into them, and back into you.

Today I cried in his arms after S made love to me. His love overwhelmed me. I could feel the pang of the love I had felt in the arms of my father and my friend while lying in his embrace.

Love is a vibration, like a bell, that you don't just hear, but you feel as it washes on you. Today love echoed within me, a sound long quieted, reverberating from within.