Soul Submissive

"You want to get in my head, don't you? You always seem to be watching me, analyzing me. It makes me uncomfortable. It seems your studying me."

When S says this, he's suspicious, fearful, and accusing. What my Sweet Boy doesn't realize is that I mean to do this from love. I'm not trying to "get in his head" to hurt him, but to better understand his needs.

S cannot communicate well.

More often than not, when I ask a question he is unable to answer verbally. Often he cannot even respond physically. He simply stares at me. Occasionally he can't even look in my direction. From time to time he will brush his fingertips against me, looking away. Other times he will grunt, "Hmmm?" in a sweet, curious way. I'm learning to take what he can give.

What we've learned in therapy and through many, many discussions, is that he's not ignoring me. He's trying to formulate the "proper" answer, so as to prevent disappointing me. In the past when I became angry due to this huge misunderstanding on my part, he felt like a huge failure and the feelings of inadequacy overwhelmed him. Once that happened he would withdraw, sometimes for days, into a cave of fear.

As his Domme I mean to coax him gently out of this cave and assure him that I won't punish him for this. I don't think this fear will ever completely leave him, although I hope it does. It's been embedded so deeply that it's become part of his character now. What my Sweet Boy doesn't need is punishment. He needs acceptance.

The hardest part of being S's Domme is knowing what he needs and when he needs it. Imagine someone with little to no facial expression most of the time, a monotone voice, withdrawn into his world of work. When he occasionally laughs out loud, or cries with ecstasy, I feel this enormous sense of victory. I know he needs to safely express himself and to be received with love and praise.

My method for "coaxing" is to consume him with my body in intimate moments. I wrap myself around him, lie on top of him, hold him with my strong hands, and whisper questions in his ear. I often feed him answers and encourage him to respond verbally. I make the questions easy, the answers obvious, and help him find the words. The more often he answers, the more praise he receives. I love praising him! I love kissing his sweet, sweet face over and over, offering him my nipple, stroking his cheek and telling him he's such a good boy!

To torture S is simple:

Ask impossible questions in anger
Demand answers now
Withdraw and withhold love and affection
Tell him he's failed
Tell him he's inadequate, inferior or unworthy
Physically punish him without comfort
Refuse comfort at any time he seeks it
Shout at him
Leave without saying goodbye, giving a kiss, and saying when I'll return
Leaving him forever


I'm a hot head with a horrible temper. I'm learning to control that so as to never even brush the edges of these events with S. I don't want him to ever anticipate this will be an end result of any of our encounters.

Some things are off limits. For us, these are.

I see my Sweetheart struggling. I see him wavering between the two sides he sees in himself; the strong man and the weak boy.

Spiritually, mentally and physically S is very, very strong. He is sure of what he believes about life, people and the universe. Mentally he is amazing; the smartest person I've ever met. He's brilliant, creative, and an intuitive problem solver. He makes the impossible look simple and easy. Physically he works his body to it's limits regularly at the gym. He eats right, indulges a little, and works hard for it.

Emotionally he has been stifled since childhood. The minute his mother slapped him in the face at age 3 and locked him in the closet until he "behaved", he stopped growing. He simply "acted" to survive, so his sole caretaker would not abandon him. He lived knowing that if weren't a "good boy", she would walk out on him and he would be alone.

In his marriage he reenacted this scene day after day, for over 23 years. His wife was abusive, insulting and demanding. Needy and sickly, she believed the entire world revolved around her and S's sole purpose in life was to care for her. He bought into this system believing he was worthy of nothing better. He feared she would abandon him if he didn't meet her needs, perhaps through death due to her many illnesses. He would be alone and it would be because he wasn't a "good" husband. Now not only was his well being in jeopardy, but another person's life hung in the balance.

Stepping out of this role into a relationship with me broke many of those notions, but not for long. He still struggles with what he believes he deserves in life, abandonment, punishment, pain, and weakness.

It is my mission to clear away the negative self image and help him grow into the amazing man I already see him as being. I will dispel the countless untruths, one at a time.

I have the inner strength to build this man up. But first, I have to break the spell of unworthiness.

I have spent my life dating and being married to men who have strong personalities. Oh, I dated a few weak men, but not for long. Breaking them and taking their money was too easy. One man I was engaged to was worth over $2 million when I met him in my early twenties. When I kicked him out just over a year later, he had less than $10,000 in the bank, he whimpered and begged when I told him it was over, and he was a very broken man.

The realization that I was deeply attracted to strong men was not new to me; it was the difficulty in finding one who didn't want to extinguish my fire inside. Both of my husbands were drawn to me as a moth to the flame, but their own lack of composure filled them with fear, and thus, they lost control. Many strong men are attracted to strong women, but they believe they must break them. I was out to prove I could not be broken. I played their game to suit my own purposes, because I knew I was not only smarter, but stronger. Stronger in my soul.

I was married to Husband #2 for 13 years at the time I met S. Compelled to get to know S, to please him, to just be near him and soak up the radiance of his presence, I worked hard at the position he hired me to do. I confessed, to my chagrin, my feelings for him, more than once. He rebuked me, and made clear that he was not interested in me. S called me one Saturday, in response to an email I had sent in which I had confessed my devotion to him. When S spoke the words of rejection over the phone, as I sat next to Husband #2 watching television, I had to leave the room. The tears began to flow, and I found it impossible to reconcile my life. How had I come to this; needing the approval and affection of S, when I am married to another?

A couple of months later, over a business lunch, the ice broke. Our conversation turned more personal, and I reveled in the thought that he may truly be attracted to me. Days later, he came to my home when I was alone, working, at my request. He touched my skin for the first time in an embrace. We both trembled with emotion. The power in the connection was so great, so forceful, that when we looked into one another's eyes, we knew this would change everything.

I decided the next day to divorce Husband #2, and began to plan my course. Once S had shown me that he wished to be close to me, even if only for a short time, I knew he was the only person that I wanted to touch me. Husband #2 cried, begged, pleaded and negotiated, and every word, every gesture, fell on a heart of stone. Anything I ever felt for him dried up and blew away years before when I realized he not only didn't have control of me, but of himself. He was out of the house less than 5 days later.

The realization for me in all of this was not just that S is my Soulmate, which is what I initially thought.

S is my Soul Master.