Soul Submissive

"I'm just not going to pay the mortgage anymore. Thank you very much for your time, but you're not helping me." I hung up the phone. The escrow representative had frustrated me beyond all reason, so my empty threat was all I had left.

I was still lying in bed. Remembering to call the bank first thing this morning, I had reached for the phone and called before my feet ever hit the floor. Now I was whining and weeping, frustrated that the bank had made an error in my escrow and having no luck getting someone to make the correction. The error was costing me an extra $500 monthly, although the money was going into my escrow account. It has just been so infuriating to be strapped for cash when it's someone else's error.

S reached over to console me. I didn't want any financial help, nor to discuss it any longer, as I had made my way through 5 representatives in 3 departments discussing, and getting nowhere. His touch was all I wanted, all I needed. He stroked my back, kissed my chest and my arm, touched my hair, wiped my tears, and cuddled me. I relaxed in his embrace. His kiss on my lips pushed the thoughts of money from my head for a moment. When I pulled away to look in his eyes, the frustration came back. I pressed my lips to his quickly to push the bad feelings away. It worked. I kissed deeper this time, sucking his tongue and bottom lip. I felt my body begin to respond.

Pushing my tongue into his mouth, he pulled me into him, and the kiss was warm and soothing. My body became stimulated, my pussy started to moisten and all I could feel was passion. I pushed him on his back and climbed up on him. Straddling his hips, I pinned his shoulders to the bed and looked into his eyes.

"Your only purpose is to make me feel better right now. I need to feel better. Lie still and let Mistress feel better. Don't struggle. I need this right now."

I rode him hard, pressing his face to the side against the mattress, until my body shuddered with orgasm. Breathless, I collapsed on top of him, kissing his sweet face and thanking him for taking care of me. He groaned with pleasure, barely audible.

"May I come now Mistress?"

"Yes, Sweet Boy. Yes. You did a good job. Come on now, cum."

He grasped my hips, furiously fucking me from underneath, gasping with ecstasy as he came.

I'm not sure if I've ever used someone so blatantly before. When I was a kid, I made friends with a neighbor who had a pool, just so I could swim there. As a teen, I went to the prom with a guy I didn't really like, just to go to the prom. In my twenties, I dated guys just to go out to nice restaurants. I've even talked a few guys into helping me financially from time to time, even though I didn't really care much for them. But to use a man in this way, well, I'm sure I've never done that before.

However, I will be doing it again.

"Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't." -- Margaret Thatcher

But to be both, that is electric! S doesn't need to hear that I'm in charge, he needs to feel it. I don't need to tell him I'm a lady, he already knows it. These are the two things that drew him to me in the beginning and the very things that keep him enthralled.

We are visiting his father and stepmother this week for his father's birthday. Most likely, this will be his father's last birthday, as his cancer is progressing at an alarming rate. Having just reunited with his father after a long estrangement, S is struggling, doing his best to break through all of his lifelong fears and rebuild the bridge. My purpose is to be his support and hold him tight, reminding him that my strength is here for him.

S's father is a gentle, kind, funny and sweet man, so much like S that it amazes me. His wife, who he's very much in love with, is a fiery, energetic, enthusiastic woman who seems to always have a mission and a purpose. His Dad often says to me that I remind him of his wife, with all of her enthusiasm. It is apparent to me that he finds himself attracted to me, not sexually, but just like a moth to a flame. I'm not sure he even knows why, but I assume all strong women with hot tempers excite him.

Power is intoxicating, not just for the person with the power, but for those who are in the presence of it. Women of power are thrilling, feeding everyone around them with energy and light. For a submissive male, the only thing more brilliant than a powerful woman is a powerful lady. All that strength wrapped up in silk and lace, gracing the dance floor in 6-inch heels, whispering dirty jokes, leaving nothing behind but her scent, a smile and a lingering fantasy, well now that is true power.

I'm fully in charge now and he has completely relented. S has finally given in to his own desires and is my sweet slave, "My Little Fucking Boy", to be loved and led by his Mistrss. I couldn't be more thrilled.

This was a long time in coming, and we both resisted the obvious for far too long. I would fight my inner nature and listen to my head, not my heart, allowing shame to prevent me from taking my natural and rightful place as his Domme. Ladies don't lead, ladies don't love a good fucking, ladies don't command their man, they submit. How wrong I was! And how much I love and embrace being in charge and being a proud, vibrant, strong, yet feminine and demure Domme! I was meant for this my whole life.

My first order of business was to lay down ground rules. My second was to teach S that he is valuable and worthy of being treated with only dignity. This entailed putting his ex-wife in her place and backing her off of the two of us with the threat of legal action. I looked him deep in the eye when she sent her incredibly submissive text back to me, consenting to my wishes, and told him, "Do you see? I am in charge. I am in control. Not only do you answer to me, but she does as well."

When a woman comes into her own, they all see it, and fall to her feet.

Let the worshiping begin.

The balance of power has settled, and it seems to lie evenly between us. At least for now. Neither dominant nor submissive, we both seem to be peaceful, relaxed, and joyful with this new horizon. The quarreling has subsided, and understanding has grown. Understanding of one another, and of ourselves.

For the most part, I don't feel dominant at all these days. My concern is that the dominance in me sparked my aggression, and anger, and fueled many of our arguments. I became demanding, intolerant, and petulant. S became frustrated and felt unloved. I came to loathe myself, unable to understand my behavior from moment to moment. Feeling lost and needy almost all of the time, I found that being the Domme was not necessarily the same as calling all of the shots. When I wanted love and affection, I demanded it. S became reluctant to give what was being forced from him.

My old issues of mistrust, fear, hurt, and disillusionment haunted me nightly. They hung about me all day, nagging at my heart, shielding me from the comfort of a loving relationship. I became suspicious, and found myself questioning all that I had once easily accepted as truth about S. He had given me no reason to doubt him; the doubt lurked in the darkness of my old fears, and peeked out when I least expected it.

If anything now I feel submissive again. But not often. Just when I see a disagreement on the horizon. If I hear the tone in his voice of anger, displeasure or frustration, I immediately submit, fearing a confrontation. Almost always it was my doing in the first place, the misunderstanding. S is wonderful in that he won't pursue an argument if I retreat. He steps back just as quickly, and it seems we both race to apologize first. Neither one of us wants the misery of the arguing, nor the fear of losing one another.

I can't imagine life without him now. If I am submitting to anything, it is my fear that I will drive him away.

Fear is a powerful thing.

For most of my life, I assumed dominance walked hand in hand with fear. I realize now that this type of dominance, while it does exist, is not what I was seeking, nor am I interested in exploring this lifestyle any longer. What I want is a man who is truly stronger, and doesn't need to keep reminding me of if. S is that man; strong as an oak, quiet as the wind, as certain as the sky. He doesn't need to prove it to me, to others, or to himself, because he knows.

When S moved into his own apartment, I came to help for a few days, and get him all set up. 7 weeks later, I've yet to leave for any extended period of time. Even when he went on a trip, I remained at the apartment, simply because it was easier with all of my toiletries and clothes I needed already here.

Tentatively, one day recently I asked, "Where do you see me as living?"

"Here, with me," S replied dryly.

"Are you good with that?" I worried.

"I have no feeling about that. It's just fine. It's good. Didn't you know you live with me?" he asked, sweetly.

Apparently, I did not. I didn't know we had made that transition. It was so subtle, so natural, so easy, I never noticed. I had been afraid to ask, afraid to wonder, afraid to approach. It didn't need to be analyzed, discusses, hashed-out, and weighed. It was just natural.

For my entire adult life, I've been afraid of men. Drawn to strong men, like my father, but angry, violent men came in and out of my life, beating on me along the way. The fear I had been instilled with plagued my vision of who I was, who I wanted and how I saw the entire world.

With S, I don't need to walk on eggshells. I can say anything, ask anything, be anything. No harm will come. I'm trying to let that sink in, and see the world in a new way.

Strength does not equal Violence. Power does not equal Fear.

Imagine that.

I recently read on another Sub's blog about having safe words. In fact, I read about this subject quite often. So I have evaluated the need for set of safe words.

As of now, S and I don't have any designated safe words. The truth is, when I was married to my husband, I had a safe word that I used to remind him that he was frightening me with his horrible temper. It rarely worked, and often gave him power over me to frighten me more. This was not a healthy relationship in any way, nor was it designed to be a D/s relationship.

But with S, I have truly never felt unsafe. Actually, I have never felt safer! I know he has my best interests at heart, and he would never, ever harm me. He just isn't that kind of man. We have discussed the inflicting of pain, and neither one of us are interested in that type of relationship. That, coupled with the enormous trust I have in my loving Dom, presents an opportunity to truly place myself in his hands, completely. This has freed my spirit to soar, and to be natural and open with him about everything. I make every attempt to overcome my own baggage and tell him everything as it arises in my mind, thus helping me to understand myself better daily.

I truly understand the need for safe words in the D/s relationship, as all relationships are not the same. But for me, now, I don't want a safe word.

I am a writer, and words are my craft. Having spent my life loving words has taught me the power of every word that is written and spoken. My wish now is that my words are free, to carry the message of my spirit out to the world, with no need for a place to hide ever again. In the arms of my Dom, I am safe; so I needn't be hidden by a word.

I have spent my life dating and being married to men who have strong personalities. Oh, I dated a few weak men, but not for long. Breaking them and taking their money was too easy. One man I was engaged to was worth over $2 million when I met him in my early twenties. When I kicked him out just over a year later, he had less than $10,000 in the bank, he whimpered and begged when I told him it was over, and he was a very broken man.

The realization that I was deeply attracted to strong men was not new to me; it was the difficulty in finding one who didn't want to extinguish my fire inside. Both of my husbands were drawn to me as a moth to the flame, but their own lack of composure filled them with fear, and thus, they lost control. Many strong men are attracted to strong women, but they believe they must break them. I was out to prove I could not be broken. I played their game to suit my own purposes, because I knew I was not only smarter, but stronger. Stronger in my soul.

I was married to Husband #2 for 13 years at the time I met S. Compelled to get to know S, to please him, to just be near him and soak up the radiance of his presence, I worked hard at the position he hired me to do. I confessed, to my chagrin, my feelings for him, more than once. He rebuked me, and made clear that he was not interested in me. S called me one Saturday, in response to an email I had sent in which I had confessed my devotion to him. When S spoke the words of rejection over the phone, as I sat next to Husband #2 watching television, I had to leave the room. The tears began to flow, and I found it impossible to reconcile my life. How had I come to this; needing the approval and affection of S, when I am married to another?

A couple of months later, over a business lunch, the ice broke. Our conversation turned more personal, and I reveled in the thought that he may truly be attracted to me. Days later, he came to my home when I was alone, working, at my request. He touched my skin for the first time in an embrace. We both trembled with emotion. The power in the connection was so great, so forceful, that when we looked into one another's eyes, we knew this would change everything.

I decided the next day to divorce Husband #2, and began to plan my course. Once S had shown me that he wished to be close to me, even if only for a short time, I knew he was the only person that I wanted to touch me. Husband #2 cried, begged, pleaded and negotiated, and every word, every gesture, fell on a heart of stone. Anything I ever felt for him dried up and blew away years before when I realized he not only didn't have control of me, but of himself. He was out of the house less than 5 days later.

The realization for me in all of this was not just that S is my Soulmate, which is what I initially thought.

S is my Soul Master.