Soul Submissive

Our therapist has been a Godsend! Clearing away the pain, the confusion, the misunderstandings and the myths has been incredibly freeing. Recently, I feel myself letting go of all of the lifelong sorrow I had stored in my heart and opening myself to love.

The other piece to the puzzle has been taking this journey with S. He has been so willing to bear himself, not just to me, but to our therapist, and share his pain. As I've said in the past, he has a very hard time communicating. But with her, he opens up and she understands him immediately; not in what he says, but what he doesn't say. She seems to feel what he means, his intention, and works with both of us to help us understand one another in a beautiful way.

What surprised, no shocked me, was the open-mindedness with which she embraced our D/s relationship. She sees this as beautiful, helpful, and nurturing for us both. She can be blunt, so I'm sure she is genuine in her advice. But for this 60+ year old woman, she continues to surprise me with her open mindset.

She's made no comments about the punishment, neither positive nor negative, but seems to view the entire interaction as healthy and loving. I punish S very little, and always help him turn the punishment into a reassuring experience. I've never spanked him without twice as much love and comfort afterwards. For some time, I was deeply concerned that this relationship framework was unhealthy. Our therapist has reassured me that it is completely healthy, and even emotionally helpful and rewarding.

I would never want to harm my Sweet Boy; not physically, mentally, nor emotionally. Being what he needs in life, soothing his broken soul, has been the most rewarding experience I've ever known.

I was drowning. Too much pressure, I suppose. That's what S believes. So he stepped up, and pulled me into the lifeboat when I was going down. The sorrow was overwhelming, so much so that I was drowning in it.

After a few days, we settled back into our routine. S is so good at taking direction and it seems so natural to direct him. Recently, another local business owner, Randy, who wants to partner with us on a project, emailed S for a meeting. Of course S asked me to attend. During the meeting Randy continued to direct his conversation only to S. Often S would answer him, because our expertise is in different areas and he had the answers Randy was seeking. But S often looked to me for leadership. Funny thing was that Randy never realized it was me he had to please, and I would make the final decision, as I often do.

S trusts me. He trusts me with his personal belongings, his business, his life and his heart. He knows my devotion to him and he knows down in his soul that I would never harm him. He knows I'm honest. He trusts my intuition about people and my ability to read them and their motives. He knows that I won't hurt him and that I would never, ever let anyone else hurt him.

When I was suffering in my depressed state, I had to turn outward and find safety somewhere else. S recognized that and grasped my hand, pulling me back into the boat before I drowned. He then rowed me back to shore. He didn't do it because he needs me, or because he wants something from me. He did it because he saw me in need, because he's that kind of person, because he would do it for anyone who needed him. I had to trust him, the way he trusts me.

Reaching for the lifeboat was nearly impossible, because admitting weakness was something I thought a Domme couldn't do. Perhaps I need to let go of what I "think" a Domme is and just begin being myself.

I'm fully in charge now and he has completely relented. S has finally given in to his own desires and is my sweet slave, "My Little Fucking Boy", to be loved and led by his Mistrss. I couldn't be more thrilled.

This was a long time in coming, and we both resisted the obvious for far too long. I would fight my inner nature and listen to my head, not my heart, allowing shame to prevent me from taking my natural and rightful place as his Domme. Ladies don't lead, ladies don't love a good fucking, ladies don't command their man, they submit. How wrong I was! And how much I love and embrace being in charge and being a proud, vibrant, strong, yet feminine and demure Domme! I was meant for this my whole life.

My first order of business was to lay down ground rules. My second was to teach S that he is valuable and worthy of being treated with only dignity. This entailed putting his ex-wife in her place and backing her off of the two of us with the threat of legal action. I looked him deep in the eye when she sent her incredibly submissive text back to me, consenting to my wishes, and told him, "Do you see? I am in charge. I am in control. Not only do you answer to me, but she does as well."

When a woman comes into her own, they all see it, and fall to her feet.

Let the worshiping begin.

For most of my life, I assumed dominance walked hand in hand with fear. I realize now that this type of dominance, while it does exist, is not what I was seeking, nor am I interested in exploring this lifestyle any longer. What I want is a man who is truly stronger, and doesn't need to keep reminding me of if. S is that man; strong as an oak, quiet as the wind, as certain as the sky. He doesn't need to prove it to me, to others, or to himself, because he knows.

When S moved into his own apartment, I came to help for a few days, and get him all set up. 7 weeks later, I've yet to leave for any extended period of time. Even when he went on a trip, I remained at the apartment, simply because it was easier with all of my toiletries and clothes I needed already here.

Tentatively, one day recently I asked, "Where do you see me as living?"

"Here, with me," S replied dryly.

"Are you good with that?" I worried.

"I have no feeling about that. It's just fine. It's good. Didn't you know you live with me?" he asked, sweetly.

Apparently, I did not. I didn't know we had made that transition. It was so subtle, so natural, so easy, I never noticed. I had been afraid to ask, afraid to wonder, afraid to approach. It didn't need to be analyzed, discusses, hashed-out, and weighed. It was just natural.

For my entire adult life, I've been afraid of men. Drawn to strong men, like my father, but angry, violent men came in and out of my life, beating on me along the way. The fear I had been instilled with plagued my vision of who I was, who I wanted and how I saw the entire world.

With S, I don't need to walk on eggshells. I can say anything, ask anything, be anything. No harm will come. I'm trying to let that sink in, and see the world in a new way.

Strength does not equal Violence. Power does not equal Fear.

Imagine that.