To Know Thyself

Posted on 7:18 PM by Tina

I was recently honored by being interviewed by Dishevelled Domina. She posted my interview on her blog with a number of other interviews of Domme's. She has also posted interviews of male subs. The more I read the other interviews the more I realize how little I understand about this lifestyle, and about myself. It never ceases to amaze me, after years and years of trying to figure out who I am, how little I really know. Do you feel this way too? Or is it just me?

Limits

Posted on 4:01 PM by Tina

"You want to get in my head, don't you? You always seem to be watching me, analyzing me. It makes me uncomfortable. It seems your studying me."

When S says this, he's suspicious, fearful, and accusing. What my Sweet Boy doesn't realize is that I mean to do this from love. I'm not trying to "get in his head" to hurt him, but to better understand his needs.

S cannot communicate well.

More often than not, when I ask a question he is unable to answer verbally. Often he cannot even respond physically. He simply stares at me. Occasionally he can't even look in my direction. From time to time he will brush his fingertips against me, looking away. Other times he will grunt, "Hmmm?" in a sweet, curious way. I'm learning to take what he can give.

What we've learned in therapy and through many, many discussions, is that he's not ignoring me. He's trying to formulate the "proper" answer, so as to prevent disappointing me. In the past when I became angry due to this huge misunderstanding on my part, he felt like a huge failure and the feelings of inadequacy overwhelmed him. Once that happened he would withdraw, sometimes for days, into a cave of fear.

As his Domme I mean to coax him gently out of this cave and assure him that I won't punish him for this. I don't think this fear will ever completely leave him, although I hope it does. It's been embedded so deeply that it's become part of his character now. What my Sweet Boy doesn't need is punishment. He needs acceptance.

The hardest part of being S's Domme is knowing what he needs and when he needs it. Imagine someone with little to no facial expression most of the time, a monotone voice, withdrawn into his world of work. When he occasionally laughs out loud, or cries with ecstasy, I feel this enormous sense of victory. I know he needs to safely express himself and to be received with love and praise.

My method for "coaxing" is to consume him with my body in intimate moments. I wrap myself around him, lie on top of him, hold him with my strong hands, and whisper questions in his ear. I often feed him answers and encourage him to respond verbally. I make the questions easy, the answers obvious, and help him find the words. The more often he answers, the more praise he receives. I love praising him! I love kissing his sweet, sweet face over and over, offering him my nipple, stroking his cheek and telling him he's such a good boy!

To torture S is simple:

Ask impossible questions in anger
Demand answers now
Withdraw and withhold love and affection
Tell him he's failed
Tell him he's inadequate, inferior or unworthy
Physically punish him without comfort
Refuse comfort at any time he seeks it
Shout at him
Leave without saying goodbye, giving a kiss, and saying when I'll return
Leaving him forever


I'm a hot head with a horrible temper. I'm learning to control that so as to never even brush the edges of these events with S. I don't want him to ever anticipate this will be an end result of any of our encounters.

Some things are off limits. For us, these are.

Powerful Lady

Posted on 8:22 AM by Tina

"Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't." -- Margaret Thatcher

But to be both, that is electric! S doesn't need to hear that I'm in charge, he needs to feel it. I don't need to tell him I'm a lady, he already knows it. These are the two things that drew him to me in the beginning and the very things that keep him enthralled.

We are visiting his father and stepmother this week for his father's birthday. Most likely, this will be his father's last birthday, as his cancer is progressing at an alarming rate. Having just reunited with his father after a long estrangement, S is struggling, doing his best to break through all of his lifelong fears and rebuild the bridge. My purpose is to be his support and hold him tight, reminding him that my strength is here for him.

S's father is a gentle, kind, funny and sweet man, so much like S that it amazes me. His wife, who he's very much in love with, is a fiery, energetic, enthusiastic woman who seems to always have a mission and a purpose. His Dad often says to me that I remind him of his wife, with all of her enthusiasm. It is apparent to me that he finds himself attracted to me, not sexually, but just like a moth to a flame. I'm not sure he even knows why, but I assume all strong women with hot tempers excite him.

Power is intoxicating, not just for the person with the power, but for those who are in the presence of it. Women of power are thrilling, feeding everyone around them with energy and light. For a submissive male, the only thing more brilliant than a powerful woman is a powerful lady. All that strength wrapped up in silk and lace, gracing the dance floor in 6-inch heels, whispering dirty jokes, leaving nothing behind but her scent, a smile and a lingering fantasy, well now that is true power.

Unworthiness

Posted on 7:49 PM by Tina

I see my Sweetheart struggling. I see him wavering between the two sides he sees in himself; the strong man and the weak boy.

Spiritually, mentally and physically S is very, very strong. He is sure of what he believes about life, people and the universe. Mentally he is amazing; the smartest person I've ever met. He's brilliant, creative, and an intuitive problem solver. He makes the impossible look simple and easy. Physically he works his body to it's limits regularly at the gym. He eats right, indulges a little, and works hard for it.

Emotionally he has been stifled since childhood. The minute his mother slapped him in the face at age 3 and locked him in the closet until he "behaved", he stopped growing. He simply "acted" to survive, so his sole caretaker would not abandon him. He lived knowing that if weren't a "good boy", she would walk out on him and he would be alone.

In his marriage he reenacted this scene day after day, for over 23 years. His wife was abusive, insulting and demanding. Needy and sickly, she believed the entire world revolved around her and S's sole purpose in life was to care for her. He bought into this system believing he was worthy of nothing better. He feared she would abandon him if he didn't meet her needs, perhaps through death due to her many illnesses. He would be alone and it would be because he wasn't a "good" husband. Now not only was his well being in jeopardy, but another person's life hung in the balance.

Stepping out of this role into a relationship with me broke many of those notions, but not for long. He still struggles with what he believes he deserves in life, abandonment, punishment, pain, and weakness.

It is my mission to clear away the negative self image and help him grow into the amazing man I already see him as being. I will dispel the countless untruths, one at a time.

I have the inner strength to build this man up. But first, I have to break the spell of unworthiness.

The Pleasure of Trust

Posted on 4:05 PM by Tina

On a motorcycle, trust is everything. As a passenger behind S, two people on two wheels must work as one. There is no accommodation for error. Mistakes get people killed on motorcycles.

Behind the driver a passenger can only see over the driver's shoulder, peering around the helmet. Lean too far to the right or the left to get a better look at what's ahead, and the passenger can throw off the entire balance of the bike. Leaning to get a good look may make me feel better, but there is little I can do from the rear to change our direction.

Mounting the motorcycle I make a silent agreement with the driver to take care of me, to ride to the best of his ability to keep us safe, and hope to enjoy the ride. I won't enjoy a thing if I'm constantly second guessing from the rear seat.


I've learned I don't need to know what's ahead. I've learned that S is an incredibly skilled rider and all I need to do is mimic his movements. When we hit the twisty, windy mountain roads, I must trust him completely. Keeping my head directly behind his, my shoulders in line with his, leaning into the turns with him, straightening up as he does, holding on to him, but not so tightly that it restricts him, I ride blindly with complete faith.

We ride amazingly fast. If the turn has a speed sign of 30, we take it at 65. Passing 5 cars at a time over a double yellow line at 110, my heart climbs to my throat, but my body never gives an inch. I still mimic him, in sync, perfectly in tune with him and the bike.

The freedom that comes with this is exhilarating! My mind is clear, I need not think, I simply am. Trusting him completely, assured he knows the way, confident he is taking care of me, I can be free.

I imagine this is how he feels when he looks in my eyes and asks, "How can I please you, Mistress Tina?"