Soul Submissive

"No matter what I say now you're only going to see me as defending her. Your mind is made up. You want to be the victim in this!"

S could never know how much those words hurt.

Since my 21 year old daughter came to visit last week she and I had been like two angry cats locked in a closet. S was in the middle, trying to stay unscathed. I was shocked when he continued to take her side, always trying to explain her behavior to me.

"I don't think that she meant to insult you. I think she just meant. . ."

"Why don't you care about me?" I shout. I could hear myself, and I sounded like a child.

When he remarked time and again to our friends how much she and I were alike, at first I found it complimentary. Later, when I saw the two of them laughing together, an unfamiliar pang hit me deep. Very deep. Jealousy had reared it's ugly head.

I'm rarely jealous with S. His devotion is so obvious that I just never have any reason to be concerned. Certainly he checks other women out, as do I. Being bisexual, women are beautiful creatures so me, and many times I fantasize about a stranger. So when S glances, or turns his head for a moment, I know he's just being human. The act of looking doesn't threaten me at all, because I know he's with me because he chooses to be. But this was different.

Soon the arguement waned, reignited, and the silence of frustration stood between us. I did all I could to find a resolution. I spoke gently, apologized, took ownership and responsibility for my mistakes. I tried to see things from his point of view. He was so hurt and felt so attacked, that I just couldn't seem to reach him. There we stood, after declaring my pain, curled inside myself and he silent in fear. I warned him I would reject him if he attempted to touch me.

At this juncture, my only weapon of defense was to withhold affection.

Giving affection would be submitting, rewarding bad behavior, succumbing, and perhaps needy and demeaning. I wanted to stay strong, in control, powerful.

He apologized over and over, but each apology came with the disclaimer that it was my fault, saying I had first attacked him. I tried to explain that true apologies stand alone and don't come with accusations. Finally he relented, and now we sit at the happy, lively taco joint, mired in frustration and fear, and the greatest pain of all, detachment.

How do I build the bridge?

In my mind I know what to do. Reach for his hand, reminding myself that he never means to hurt me. Remember all the arguements of the past and how he's really just a boy inside who desperatly needs love. Remember that I'm his Domme and I've vowed to be his love, his comfort, his peace.

I'm so frightened. What if this is a mistake? What if this is weakness, not strength? What if he sees this as a precedent to treat me this way again? What if he turns on me again and hurts me?

I look into his eyes, see his sadness, sorrow, longing and pain, and suddenly my hand doesn't seem so heavy. I reach out my hand gently to bridge the gap.

The truth is, I don't know what I'm doing. Because I have so many feelings running through me so often, I am simply scattered. My moods change often and with all of this being so new, I'm doing my best to define how I want to proceed. It's crucial that I only do what I'm comfortable with and what S is comfortable with, and I not let anyone else's definitions of Domme define me. I know who I am, but translating that concept into behavior is often confusing.




But these things I know are true:

1. I love S like I've never loved another human being ever in my life.

2. All I want is to be honest, intimate, loving and nurturing in my relationship with S.

3. I was born to be a caretaker and I love that role.

4. I am comfortable being a leader and I take this role most seriously.

5. I am a born protector. I can and will destroy anyone who harms those I love. S will be safe for the rest of his life in my care, and no one will ever hurt him again if I can prevent it.

6. Being in charge is not the same as being in control. I'm only in control of my behavior. Not my emotions, thoughts, or desires. How I act upon these things is my decision. I am only in control of myself, no one else.

7. S is a blessing in my life and I vow to treat him as such.

8. I have no desire to harm, punish, or inflict pain on anyone. I won't do it.

9. I believe love is all I need to be a Domme. I believe love is a wonderful motivator.

10. We all make mistakes. This is new to both of us, so mistakes are bound to be made. Learning from our mistakes makes them simply life lessons, not mistakes.

11. I am worthy of love, and so is S.

12. I am intelligent, fierce, energetic, vivacious, incredibly sexual, joyful, and exuberant. I really am fun to be around, I have tons of love for everyone I know, and since I've met S, I find many people very drawn to me. I am a good human being and I enjoy being Tina.

13. S loves me.

14. I can trust S with everything I am and everything I have. He doesn't ever want to harm me.

15. I am incredibly lucky to be in this relationship. I hold it with the greatest regard and value it and S enormously. I am blessed.

So that's what I know. If I work from there, well I have great hopes of everything working out just fine. I just have to remember what is true and not listen to the doubt that rears it's ugly head.

Work from my heart, not from my head. I learned that from S.

I'm fully in charge now and he has completely relented. S has finally given in to his own desires and is my sweet slave, "My Little Fucking Boy", to be loved and led by his Mistrss. I couldn't be more thrilled.

This was a long time in coming, and we both resisted the obvious for far too long. I would fight my inner nature and listen to my head, not my heart, allowing shame to prevent me from taking my natural and rightful place as his Domme. Ladies don't lead, ladies don't love a good fucking, ladies don't command their man, they submit. How wrong I was! And how much I love and embrace being in charge and being a proud, vibrant, strong, yet feminine and demure Domme! I was meant for this my whole life.

My first order of business was to lay down ground rules. My second was to teach S that he is valuable and worthy of being treated with only dignity. This entailed putting his ex-wife in her place and backing her off of the two of us with the threat of legal action. I looked him deep in the eye when she sent her incredibly submissive text back to me, consenting to my wishes, and told him, "Do you see? I am in charge. I am in control. Not only do you answer to me, but she does as well."

When a woman comes into her own, they all see it, and fall to her feet.

Let the worshiping begin.