Soul Submissive

Many months have passed since I've last written and many changes have taken place. Our relationship continues to evolve as the outer layers peel away and our true selves shine through. With the help of our therapist, we've come to understand one another and ourselves more clearly than ever.

So much of my inner turmoil has settled I'm amazed. Most days I am joyful, serene and excited to be alive, but mostly I feel at peace. Our lives are thrilling as we've been traveling by motorcycle around the U.S. for 2 months on a 6 month trip. Each day brings new sights, sounds, smells, food, people and thoughts. I feel creative and thoughtful more often. My fears have quelled and I can accept happiness with arms wide open. I finally believe I deserve to be happy and I am, very much.

S is working through things as well. He's dropped so much of his facade and is embracing the child inside more every day. When I met S he was quiet, thoughtful, and introspective. I only saw glimpses of his humor, his silliness and his playful side. He never showed anger or disdain, frustration or fear. Now I realize it was because he had lost touch with those parts of himself many years ago, hiding most of his emotions.

How could a person come to a point of being so unemotional? This puzzled me because I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, rarely feeling shame for my explosive and wild feelings. It's not as though S didn't feel emotions, he did. He has just learned to detach from them so well, to starve them so much, that they barely existed. When he met me he started feeling again. It felt good, at first, so he continued to work towards having a relationship with me. He was shocked when things started to feel bad.

And bad they did. He hadn't realized that all of those pains and injuries from his past weren't gone, but hiding under all of that denial. He hadn't processed any of those feelings, so they lay dormant waiting to attack. At some point he could deny them no longer and they ravaged him every moment of every day. Wallowing in anger and hurt he struck out at me, as I was the only one around to accept it.

Those days were hard for me. I thought of leaving him from time to time, when I felt so overwhelmed I was certain I was going to break. We had terrible fights to which there seemed no end. But just a month ago it seemed they peaked and now we are on the other side.

What I see now is just a 7-year-old boy. Almost every minute of the day S is filled with emotion, but at the time he shut off all of those feelings and bottled them up tight was only a 7-years-old boy. The child inside has never had a chance to grow, to mature, to develop. What he is now is a full-blown 7-year-old. He has no ability to be a man when he is filled with emotion.

And he cannot be both intellectual and emotional. At this juncture, he cannot bring the two into his body simultaneously. He is either one or the other. It was more difficult for me to know how to behave towards him when he was switching back and forth, which caused numerous fights. But now he's a child almost all of the time.

I want to take care of him, to love him, to reassure him that I'm not going to abandon him. I want him to know that it's OK to be a child and to HAVE FEELINGS!! I want him to feel them ALL! He becomes so angry when he feels a negative feeling, but I'm trying to teach him that ALL FEELINGS ARE GOOD FEELINGS! Some just hurt more than others.

I'm going to make more of an effort to keep updating here more often. We've entered into interesting times.

I love this boy. My sweet, sweet boy. I'm such a lucky Mommy to be blessed with this amazing boy! S is just a boy.