Soul Submissive

Recently I've shared my newest erotic fantasy with S, and it was met with enthusiastic pleasure. He simply loved the idea and has been encouraging me to explore the idea further.

My fantasy is probably rather vanilla for most. A beautiful brunette waitress we know from a restaurant we frequent is our subject. Amanda is a fan of mine, and rushes through the restaurant every time I arrive to greet and hug me. She's a real doll, with a beautiful smile and outrageous, taut body.

In my fantasy Amanda is on all fours, tied up so she can not move at all. S lies beneath her, furiously sucking and alternately milking her nipples with his mouth and hands. Amanda is gagged, but not blindfolded, and is receiving a rhythmic machine fucking in her pussy.

Me? I am standing over her with my largest strap on, ass fucking her. It is S's job to comfort, soothe and encourage her to endure when she reaches her breaking point. He is to milk her, both physically and emotionally, to her brink.

When I've determined she's taken all she can, the three of us will cuddle, with Amanda in the middle until she is soothed. She will then suck and love my DD's while S dildo fucks my and licks my clit. Once I've cum clitorally, it will be S's turn.

All of his cum belongs to me, so only I will take his cock in my pussy. While taking a lovely fucking from behind, I will embrace and make out with our beautiful Amanda, until S reaches his orgasm.

Yes, just a fantasy for now. Hopefully soon, reality.

In raging summer, oh! So grand,
I met a flood upon my land.
You washed over with a flood of fire,
Released me from the muck & mire.

Entrenched in mud from my own tears,
Imprisoned by my life of fears.
Cleanse from me all things past.
I pray, I pray our summer last.

Build and stoke my soul aflame!
Release the animal untamed!
Bite, bend, arch and claw,
Forgive all with empassioned flaw.

Rain upon my land so dry,
Kiss away the tears we cry.
Weep with passion, weep with pain!
Weep because it's all the same.

Burn with heat of summer sun,
Burn, my life has just begun!

Somewhere in between
Being your Domme and being your slave
Somewhere in between
Being who you love and being who you crave

Somewhere deep inside
The ebb and flow between you and me
Somewhere deep inside
The who we are and who we'll be

Somewhere in your heart
You know you were made just for me
Somewhere in your heart
You long to be just what I need

Somewhere in between
I know my place is by your side
Somewhere in between
What we show and what we hide

Somewhere down the road
I see your smile and hear your cry
Somewhere down the road
Into the horizon two birds fly

I was drowning. Too much pressure, I suppose. That's what S believes. So he stepped up, and pulled me into the lifeboat when I was going down. The sorrow was overwhelming, so much so that I was drowning in it.

After a few days, we settled back into our routine. S is so good at taking direction and it seems so natural to direct him. Recently, another local business owner, Randy, who wants to partner with us on a project, emailed S for a meeting. Of course S asked me to attend. During the meeting Randy continued to direct his conversation only to S. Often S would answer him, because our expertise is in different areas and he had the answers Randy was seeking. But S often looked to me for leadership. Funny thing was that Randy never realized it was me he had to please, and I would make the final decision, as I often do.

S trusts me. He trusts me with his personal belongings, his business, his life and his heart. He knows my devotion to him and he knows down in his soul that I would never harm him. He knows I'm honest. He trusts my intuition about people and my ability to read them and their motives. He knows that I won't hurt him and that I would never, ever let anyone else hurt him.

When I was suffering in my depressed state, I had to turn outward and find safety somewhere else. S recognized that and grasped my hand, pulling me back into the boat before I drowned. He then rowed me back to shore. He didn't do it because he needs me, or because he wants something from me. He did it because he saw me in need, because he's that kind of person, because he would do it for anyone who needed him. I had to trust him, the way he trusts me.

Reaching for the lifeboat was nearly impossible, because admitting weakness was something I thought a Domme couldn't do. Perhaps I need to let go of what I "think" a Domme is and just begin being myself.

"No matter what I say now you're only going to see me as defending her. Your mind is made up. You want to be the victim in this!"

S could never know how much those words hurt.

Since my 21 year old daughter came to visit last week she and I had been like two angry cats locked in a closet. S was in the middle, trying to stay unscathed. I was shocked when he continued to take her side, always trying to explain her behavior to me.

"I don't think that she meant to insult you. I think she just meant. . ."

"Why don't you care about me?" I shout. I could hear myself, and I sounded like a child.

When he remarked time and again to our friends how much she and I were alike, at first I found it complimentary. Later, when I saw the two of them laughing together, an unfamiliar pang hit me deep. Very deep. Jealousy had reared it's ugly head.

I'm rarely jealous with S. His devotion is so obvious that I just never have any reason to be concerned. Certainly he checks other women out, as do I. Being bisexual, women are beautiful creatures so me, and many times I fantasize about a stranger. So when S glances, or turns his head for a moment, I know he's just being human. The act of looking doesn't threaten me at all, because I know he's with me because he chooses to be. But this was different.

Soon the arguement waned, reignited, and the silence of frustration stood between us. I did all I could to find a resolution. I spoke gently, apologized, took ownership and responsibility for my mistakes. I tried to see things from his point of view. He was so hurt and felt so attacked, that I just couldn't seem to reach him. There we stood, after declaring my pain, curled inside myself and he silent in fear. I warned him I would reject him if he attempted to touch me.

At this juncture, my only weapon of defense was to withhold affection.

Giving affection would be submitting, rewarding bad behavior, succumbing, and perhaps needy and demeaning. I wanted to stay strong, in control, powerful.

He apologized over and over, but each apology came with the disclaimer that it was my fault, saying I had first attacked him. I tried to explain that true apologies stand alone and don't come with accusations. Finally he relented, and now we sit at the happy, lively taco joint, mired in frustration and fear, and the greatest pain of all, detachment.

How do I build the bridge?

In my mind I know what to do. Reach for his hand, reminding myself that he never means to hurt me. Remember all the arguements of the past and how he's really just a boy inside who desperatly needs love. Remember that I'm his Domme and I've vowed to be his love, his comfort, his peace.

I'm so frightened. What if this is a mistake? What if this is weakness, not strength? What if he sees this as a precedent to treat me this way again? What if he turns on me again and hurts me?

I look into his eyes, see his sadness, sorrow, longing and pain, and suddenly my hand doesn't seem so heavy. I reach out my hand gently to bridge the gap.

The truth is, I don't know what I'm doing. Because I have so many feelings running through me so often, I am simply scattered. My moods change often and with all of this being so new, I'm doing my best to define how I want to proceed. It's crucial that I only do what I'm comfortable with and what S is comfortable with, and I not let anyone else's definitions of Domme define me. I know who I am, but translating that concept into behavior is often confusing.




But these things I know are true:

1. I love S like I've never loved another human being ever in my life.

2. All I want is to be honest, intimate, loving and nurturing in my relationship with S.

3. I was born to be a caretaker and I love that role.

4. I am comfortable being a leader and I take this role most seriously.

5. I am a born protector. I can and will destroy anyone who harms those I love. S will be safe for the rest of his life in my care, and no one will ever hurt him again if I can prevent it.

6. Being in charge is not the same as being in control. I'm only in control of my behavior. Not my emotions, thoughts, or desires. How I act upon these things is my decision. I am only in control of myself, no one else.

7. S is a blessing in my life and I vow to treat him as such.

8. I have no desire to harm, punish, or inflict pain on anyone. I won't do it.

9. I believe love is all I need to be a Domme. I believe love is a wonderful motivator.

10. We all make mistakes. This is new to both of us, so mistakes are bound to be made. Learning from our mistakes makes them simply life lessons, not mistakes.

11. I am worthy of love, and so is S.

12. I am intelligent, fierce, energetic, vivacious, incredibly sexual, joyful, and exuberant. I really am fun to be around, I have tons of love for everyone I know, and since I've met S, I find many people very drawn to me. I am a good human being and I enjoy being Tina.

13. S loves me.

14. I can trust S with everything I am and everything I have. He doesn't ever want to harm me.

15. I am incredibly lucky to be in this relationship. I hold it with the greatest regard and value it and S enormously. I am blessed.

So that's what I know. If I work from there, well I have great hopes of everything working out just fine. I just have to remember what is true and not listen to the doubt that rears it's ugly head.

Work from my heart, not from my head. I learned that from S.

I'm fully in charge now and he has completely relented. S has finally given in to his own desires and is my sweet slave, "My Little Fucking Boy", to be loved and led by his Mistrss. I couldn't be more thrilled.

This was a long time in coming, and we both resisted the obvious for far too long. I would fight my inner nature and listen to my head, not my heart, allowing shame to prevent me from taking my natural and rightful place as his Domme. Ladies don't lead, ladies don't love a good fucking, ladies don't command their man, they submit. How wrong I was! And how much I love and embrace being in charge and being a proud, vibrant, strong, yet feminine and demure Domme! I was meant for this my whole life.

My first order of business was to lay down ground rules. My second was to teach S that he is valuable and worthy of being treated with only dignity. This entailed putting his ex-wife in her place and backing her off of the two of us with the threat of legal action. I looked him deep in the eye when she sent her incredibly submissive text back to me, consenting to my wishes, and told him, "Do you see? I am in charge. I am in control. Not only do you answer to me, but she does as well."

When a woman comes into her own, they all see it, and fall to her feet.

Let the worshiping begin.