Soul Submissive

Words are not enough. Just agreeing with me is not submission.

By the same token, actions are not enough. Just going through the motions, following commands, can often be empty gestures. This is not submission. This is compliance. This is obedience. And sure, I appreciate compliance and obedience. Often these are a turn on. But do not mistake them with submission, because they are not.

S understands what I want. He understands my definition of submission. He knows when he's feeling submissive and knows when he's behaving submissive. More importantly, he knows the difference. I have no desire to command a servant who is only "acting" submissive. Christ, anyone can do that! Give a person a gun to hold against the head of a victim, and you have compliance and obedience. I know. I've had it done to me.

I was 18 years old that June when the intruder kicked in my back door and ran up into the loft, standing at the foot of my bed. He was pointing a gun at my face. I knew immediately that I was in grave danger, and these may be my final moments. I complied. For the next hour, as he robbed me, destroyed my apartment, raped me, ate food from my kitchen, killed my cat, and beat me bloody, I complied. That is, until I had had enough. Tied up on the floor, spitting blood, I rolled onto my back and stood up in one swift motion.

"Get the FUCK out of my apartment! What do you fucking want? You've taken everything. Now, GET THE FUCK OUT!!"

He ran out the door. I never saw him again.

What he didn't have was dominance over me. He never did. I complied. I acted "as if" for him, to save myself. He didn't get what he came for, because that was mine alone to give. One must give submission! No one can take that from another.

Fear does not bring submission. Just the opposite. Fear brings compliance. With S and I, only love brings submission. Only in the comfort of my arms can he let his guard down and give himself to me, freely and wholly, because he chooses to. I want nothing less than that, and only when I've earned it. Only when I've worked hard enough to make him feel safe can I have the satisfaction of his servitude.

This morning while cuddling, after his time confined to our bed for our Sunday Submission Project, I released him from his bonds. I told him he was free and he had served me well. My goal of 6 ejaculations was just a pretense for the project. What I had truly wanted was for him to feel insulated enough from his every day life to relax and surrender to his sexual being. In the actions there were very few minor differences between this sexual escapade and any other we may have. But emotionally, I feel we went deeper than we ever have before, sharing our ideas, feelings and thoughts on our D/s relationship frankly and lovingly. It was beautiful.

"I want to please you for the rest of you life," he softly declared as he held me tight and kissed my breasts.

I began to cry. I was so deeply touched by his surrender, his desire to please me, his loving affection and complete abandon, I wept uncontrollably. When I regained myself I kissed his forehead over and over, embracing him with all of my might.

"You're a good boy. You're a very, very good boy. I love you so! You're a very good boy."

Those were the words we had both longed to hear.