Soul Submissive

"Thank you Mommy. Thank you for the bondage and securing me so tight I can't move. I like it when I can't move. Thank you. I love you Mommy. I love you so much!"

It's never easy to be a parent. It's even harder when you're parenting a grown man who feels like an angry child, who is also in possession of his own money, motorcycle keys, and a legal I.D. to buy liquor.

Loving my Boy is easy when he's sweet and affectionate. It's so much harder when he's hurt, which is so much of the time.

"Honey, did you turn the air off again? I'm so hot, I'm burning up! Can you please turn it on for me?"

Sulking and hurt, he defends himself, complains about why I can't turn it on myself and who was the last person to turn it on/off. He talks of our apartment we used to live in and how he had to suffer when I was cold and how now he's suffering again because I'm hot. The complaining goes on for a few minutes.

What he feels is an inequality in our relationship. What he feels is unheard, not valued, not cherished and not cared for.

But those are not the words he uses. He turns it back on me, unable to express these feelings in words. He can only accuse because he doesn't have the tools to do anything else. If I make the mistake of falling into defending myself, we only argue and fight. What he wants is to be heard, valued, comforted and cherished. That won't happen if I listen to his words. I must listen to his broken heart.

After a childhood of abuse, I often wonder if my Boy is seeking punishment from me. He will do things that most certainly will anger me or start a fight for seemingly no reason. But I've been learning from these experiences and I'm pretty certain there is a reason. The pattern has become all too clear to me.

As time passes tension rises in My Boy, regardless of how things are going between us. Stress builds, mostly from fearing another fight is on the horizon. Often if he brings his Boy out to enjoy life, be expressive, silly or loving, within a day or two I can see the tension rise up within him. He fears the fight so much that he chooses to start the fight just to get it over with. He will pick the fight and run out so quickly, hoping to just get through it and on to the recovery. It's a stress reliever.

Often I feel like nothing more than an object in this exercise of frustration for him. It seems at times he can have a fight all by himself. The issue lies in him, not necessarily in anything I've done wrong.

That's not always the case, and I do my best to take responsibility when I screw up. But often times this is the case.

What I've started doing is restraining him to help ease that tension. I can see it build and I can feel him becoming edgy and short tempered. Being on this long motorcycle trip I have very little space to pack, so I don't have my "toys" with me. So I became resourceful, using a bandanna to tie his hands together, another for his feet, and two bungee cords to secure him to the bed. His cock was hard before I finished tying the first bandanna. By the time I finished securing him, literally 5 minutes, his eyes had glazed over and an incredible peace had come over him. He was serene for 24 hours thereafter. The tension had been broken without a fight.

I won't harm him, beat him, or humiliate him. His real mother did plenty of that. It only served to break his spirit. My mission is to build him up, give him a voice and help him grow. Sometimes he needs help to quell those overwrought emotions and calm his stress. Bondage is the key to helping him let go and let me take care of him.