Soul Submissive

The balance of power has settled, and it seems to lie evenly between us. At least for now. Neither dominant nor submissive, we both seem to be peaceful, relaxed, and joyful with this new horizon. The quarreling has subsided, and understanding has grown. Understanding of one another, and of ourselves.

For the most part, I don't feel dominant at all these days. My concern is that the dominance in me sparked my aggression, and anger, and fueled many of our arguments. I became demanding, intolerant, and petulant. S became frustrated and felt unloved. I came to loathe myself, unable to understand my behavior from moment to moment. Feeling lost and needy almost all of the time, I found that being the Domme was not necessarily the same as calling all of the shots. When I wanted love and affection, I demanded it. S became reluctant to give what was being forced from him.

My old issues of mistrust, fear, hurt, and disillusionment haunted me nightly. They hung about me all day, nagging at my heart, shielding me from the comfort of a loving relationship. I became suspicious, and found myself questioning all that I had once easily accepted as truth about S. He had given me no reason to doubt him; the doubt lurked in the darkness of my old fears, and peeked out when I least expected it.

If anything now I feel submissive again. But not often. Just when I see a disagreement on the horizon. If I hear the tone in his voice of anger, displeasure or frustration, I immediately submit, fearing a confrontation. Almost always it was my doing in the first place, the misunderstanding. S is wonderful in that he won't pursue an argument if I retreat. He steps back just as quickly, and it seems we both race to apologize first. Neither one of us wants the misery of the arguing, nor the fear of losing one another.

I can't imagine life without him now. If I am submitting to anything, it is my fear that I will drive him away.

Fear is a powerful thing.