Soul Submissive

On one of the first mornings sleeping with S in my bed, I had a dream shortly before waking. I had dreamed of walking with S on a beach along the Pacific, hand in hand. He pulled his hand away, turned into a seagull, and began to fly. I stood locked on the shore and watched him glide about freely. He flew back to me.

"Why aren't you flying with me?" he asked.

"I can't fly," I replied sadly.

"Yes you can. Stretch out your arms and fly with me."

He seemed so certain, and I trusted him so, that I did as he said. I reached out my arms, turned my face upwards, and suddenly I was a seagull and began to fly.

We gleefully flew up and down the coast, side by side, occasionally touching our wingtips. Then, after some time, we flew over the ocean together, into the sun.

I think of that dream often, and how I awoke, telling him of the dream, sobbing in his arms. He held me close, and seemed to be quietly understanding everything I was trying so hard to explain.

During those first few months together I often told S that I had his hand, and I was pulling him to the other side to our future together. He was so stuck in his relationship with his needy wife, tied down by obligation, commitment and promises made from insecurity. He wanted to fulfill his duty, his vow, and somehow retain a shred of honor to his word he had given at such a young age, so many years ago.

I told him to hang onto his wives hand, and that I had his hand, and that I had the strength, determination, and sheer will to pull us all through this to the other side. The side where our lives go on, and we all find peace with this decision that he and I had made to be together.

His divorce will be final soon. His wife will be taken care of financially for the rest of her life, and compared to most divorced women, she has been one of the very, very lucky ones. Every need has been addressed, and the only thing she has lost is her caretaker and friend. But even she has found peace with this decision, and is finding comfort in a life of her own.

Now S and I have our life together, and we are ready to leave the coastline and soar out over the ocean.

My father once told me of his marriage to my step-mother that the secret to staying happy in a relationship is that you can't both go crazy at the same time.

Perhaps there are times when S takes the lead, and I must trust him, and simply follow direction when I am stuck in the sand of my limited understanding. Then there are times when he must be able to rely on my strength, and allow me to carry him to a place of peace.

He's very good at knowing which direction to head. I'm very good at getting us there.