The Echo of Love

Posted on 12:41 PM by Tina

I've known love before. My father loved me so. I could feel his love exude from every pore on his body when he smiled at me. I also had a friend Thomas for many years that loved me, just the way I was. Thomas never wanted to change me, and loved me to be outrageous and comical and sexy. When he died so many years ago, in many ways, I did too.

I didn't want love anymore. I didn't want to feel the heartache any longer. Losing my father and then losing Thomas made me feel so alone here on earth. I didn't want to feel that loss again, so I decided somewhere deep inside that I wouldn't open up for love. Then I wouldn't miss it when it was gone.

But I did. I was lonely. So lonely and in so much pain, that I turned it all inward, piling on the pounds, hiding in my comfy, compliant life with my domineering husband. He wasn't dominant. He was a mousy, frightened child who was bossy and hateful, complaining daily about everything under the sun. He tried to control everything in an effort to stop feeling out of control inside. I allowed him to control me, because I was so sad and empty inside.

I have a lovely daughter. She's an adult now. I wanted to provide a father for her, so getting remarried to a man she adored seemed like a good fit. She was happy, he was satisfied, and who cared if I was dying inside?

Who, indeed.

Then I met him. S filled my lungs with the first breath of air I had taken in years. I felt myself again. I felt my heart again. I felt love again.

Since I've met S, I've learned the differences between domination and domineering; submission and subjugation; control and love. Love is out of control, it is flying freely, it is watching the object of your desire be all they can be and feeling your heart soar with pride for them. It is giving of yourself for them, to them, to bring their heart peace and happiness. Love is giving, not taking. It is freedom, not control. It is joy that runs through your heart, into them, and back into you.

Today I cried in his arms after S made love to me. His love overwhelmed me. I could feel the pang of the love I had felt in the arms of my father and my friend while lying in his embrace.

Love is a vibration, like a bell, that you don't just hear, but you feel as it washes on you. Today love echoed within me, a sound long quieted, reverberating from within.

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